Reframing Negative Thoughts

            “I can’t do this! I’m too nervous! What if they see my nervousness? What if I forget the words? There are too many people here! I’m not prepared for this! I’m going to screw up!”

            Have you ever had one or more of these or similar thoughts pass through your mind before giving a speech? Have these thoughts undermined your speech efforts in the past? If so, you’re among the majority of public speakers. We have all felt this way, one time or another, and for some of us, this is a constant companion.

            I like to refer to these thoughts as my inner critic; he is a constant backseat driver that enjoys nothing more than to tear me down before I ever start speaking. Now that may be a bit of a dramatization, but that is how it feels sometimes. I could be completely prepared for a speech, having rewrote my speech into perfection, having practiced the speech through and through, and yet when it comes time for me to speak, that inner critic pops in and picks at all of the work that I have done. I’ll start thinking of all of the reasons my speech won’t go well, and those thoughts will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

            It is said that we are our own worst critics. I can say that this is definitely true within myself, and I have seen it within some of my fellow speakers. We will berate ourselves for mistakes that we have made, tell ourselves that we screwed up, or worse. Yet from the outside observer, those “mistakes” aren’t as bad as they seemed to us and sometimes they’re not even noticed. The funny thing is that even when we are told that we did great or that our blunders weren’t noticeable, most of us instantly try to deny that person’s experience. We seem to prefer to hold on to the words of our inner critic, rather than any outside praise. This can lead into a self-perpetuating cycle of negative thought.

            Well, we don’t have to believe our inner critics, in fact, we can turn that negativity right around into positivity. I like to call this method “thought reframing”. It’s very simple in practice; we basically tell ourselves the exact opposite of what our inner critic tries to tell us.

I can’t do this = I can do this

I’m too nervous = I’m confident

What if they see my nervousness = They will see my confidence

What if I forget the words = I know the words through and through

There’s too many people = There is a perfect amount of people

I’m not prepared for this = I’m complete prepared

I’m going to screw up = I’m going to knock this speech out of the park

By reframing our thoughts in the positive, we can begin to believe in our abilities, rather than psyching ourselves out. However, when we do this we need to avoid using negative words or phrases.

I’m too nervous = I won’t be nervous

            When we tell ourselves something like “I won’t be nervous” our subconscious doesn’t hear the words “I won’t”, but does hear “be nervous”. So we reframe in the positive, such as “I’m confident”.

There is one more step. Sometimes our inner critic hears our positive thought reframing and goes “Nuh Uh!” and then tries to instantly find reasons as to why these thoughts aren’t true. Again, all we need to do is turn our inner critic’s game onto itself. We need to prove to ourselves why these statements are true. We need to list out as many reasons as to why these thoughts are true, until we believe them.

I can do this

·         Because I have practiced this speech time and time again

·         Because I have rewritten this speech into perfection

·         Because I am a competent speaker

·         Because I have friends in the audience to support me

·         Because I am confident

·         Because the crowd will love my message

·         Because I can

·         Etc…

Do you know what will happen when we start believing the positive in ourselves? It is reflected in our performance. We give better speeches, we live better lives. We don’t have to live in negativity. We don’t have to play the game by our inner critic’s rules. We make the rules. So the next time that you feel threatened by negative self-talk, just turn the tables and reframe those thoughts into positive ones, because you are better than you give yourself credit for.

Until next time,

-          Lance

Competition Anxiety - A Personal Story

            “Compare and contrast lessons that you have learned”… my mind went blank, sweat started to bead on my forehead as I wracked my brain for some sort of answer, all while my audience eagerly awaited my opening statement. Compare and contrast lessons that I have learned?! What kind of question was that? Here I was thinking that I was going to be asked something simple, like describing my favorite sport or why I love living in Southern California, not something ambiguous. As the seconds ticked on, I thought back to how I came to this situation…

            A couple weeks earlier, my Toastmasters club held a contest for best prepared speeches and best table topics, the winners of which would be sent to the area contest, and the winners of that would continue competing in larger arenas. I joined the table topics competition, because impromptu speaking isn’t my strong suit. I feared it and I knew if I wanted to improve, I needed to face my fears. I competed and ended up getting third place… whew… at least I did it… the relief of not having to move forward was comforting, even though it would have made me go further outside of my comfort zone.

As award certificates were handed out to the winners, a question was asked to the first place winner, “Will you be able to attend the competition?” Wait… what? Why would you compete and not go to the competition, that’s just silly… “Unfortunately no”, What?!... The question was posed to the second place winner, “No, I have other plans”, WHAT?!?!... Then I was asked the same question, my mind was spinning, a third place winner going to the area contest?! I wanted to come up with excuses, but what came out of my mouth was agreeing to compete… I was doomed…

I spent the next two weeks practicing off and on for the area contest, but practicing for impromptu speaking is a fairly difficult thing to do, as you have no idea what question you are going to be asked. I tried to prepare for all the questions I could imagine that I might be asked, but my confidence wasn’t improving very much.

The morning came when I was to compete, and I was fairly nervous to say the least. I constantly tried to reframe my thoughts, trying to think of reasons why I shouldn’t be nervous as a third place winner going into a competition against winners in subject that I’m not very good at. Eventually I calmed myself down by telling myself that winning didn’t matter, that my life would continue on just as it was even if I lost. In fact, I prepared to lose and that was a calming feeling, because it allowed me to go out there and have fun.

Fast forward about half an hour to me sitting in a small room with the other contestants. The rules had been explained to us, we each drew a number to determine our order, and now we waited for each of our turns to be called into the main room. I looked around and saw a lot of veteran speakers there chit-chatting and smiling as if they had done this a million times before. There were a couple of individuals who seems new and their nervousness was reassuring, as my anxiety kept threatening to flare up. Deep breathing was my friend, keeping me semi-relaxed as person after person got called out. It was down to three of us when my name was called. I got up, with my heart in my throat, and lead to a doorway. I waited for the signal for me to enter the room. My head swam, half filled with nervousness, half filled with thoughts trying to calm myself down. It was time…

“Compare and contrast lessons that you have learned”… as I stood there, my mind racing to find some sort of answer, I had almost given up. Then, out of the blue an idea popped into my head. I began to talk about what I had learned about public speaking, I had no idea where I was going to go with it, but I allowed the speech to flow through me, throwing in jokes that a second before weren’t even in my mind. It was an amazing feeling to let go. I was actually having fun!

As I finished up, the audience applauded my effort, I sat down, and the next contestant was called forward. I tried to pay attention to the remaining contestants, but I was miles away, lost in the glow of facing my fears and coming through victorious.

I want to say that I won the competition, that by facing my fears I had proven that I was worthy of recognition. That would make a fitting ending to the story… so I’ll tell you just that… I WON!!! I actually won! I was floored; no words could have expressed how overwhelmed I felt. Not only did I face my fears, I won a trophy too!

This just goes to show, that no matter how nervous we are, no matter how much we doubt our skills, we can’t count ourselves out. We all have the potential within us to be winners, if we are willing to compete. The only things that stand in our way are the stories that we tell ourselves as to why we can’t win. We can, trust me on that one.

Until next time,

-          Lance